Why Wont My Child Listen?

Perhaps you’ve asked your child to put their shoes on five times before school, only to find them building an elaborate Lego city instead. Or you’ve said, “Please don’t throw the cushions,” just in time to watch another one fly across the living room. These moments are often followed by parents trying to make sense of what they’re seeing.

“He does it for attention” or “She knows which buttons to press”

Although it can feel that way, in reality, children are rarely plotting against us at 7.45am on a Monday morning. More often, their behaviour reflects a child who is trying to communicate a need, cope with a challenge, or achieve something in the only way they currently know how. Before we decide how to respond, it helps to understand what the behaviour might be telling us.

Behaviour doesn’t happen by accident.

Like every other aspect of development, behaviour emerges through the interaction between a child’s developing abilities, their temperament, their emotions, the environment around them, and what they have learnt from previous experiences.

This is one of the reasons that the same behaviour can have many different causes.

A child who refuses to put on their shoes may be completely absorbed in their play, anxious about going to school, struggling to stop one activity before starting another, or simply hoping that if they delay long enough, they won’t have to wear shoes. The behaviour looks the same, but the reasons behind it may be very different.

Sometimes behaviour helps children gain something they need. A child may scream or throw a pillow because they want another biscuit. The need might be attention, affection, reassurance, a favourite toy, or a little bit more time with you before bed.

Sometimes behaviour helps them avoid something. Perhaps they’re overwhelmed by the noise at a birthday party, or refusing to get dressed because they’re feeling anxious about going on a playdate.

Sometimes behaviour may be the only form of communication available to them.

Imagine a four-year-old who hits another child because they want the toy they’re holding. They haven’t hit because they’re “a hitter.” They’ve hit because, in that moment, they haven’t yet developed the language, patience or impulse control to solve the problem differently.

Understanding the function of behaviour is the first step towards changing it.

When working with parents as a Clinical Psychologist, one of the first things we often do is slow the moment down and look at the whole sequence, rather than focusing only on the behaviour itself.

This is known as the ABC model:

A. Antecedent: what happened before the behaviour? Perhaps the child was told “no”, asked to stop playing, exposed to a loud noise, or asked to do something difficult.

B. Behaviour: what did the child actually do? Did they shout, hit, run away, refuse, cry, hide, throw something, or keep asking?

C. Consequence: what happened afterwards? Did they get attention? Avoid the task? Gain access to something they wanted? Delay bedtime? Escape a noisy environment?

Imagine you’re on the phone. Your child wants your attention. At first they say, “Mummy.” You hold up a finger to say, “Just a minute.” They say it again. Then louder. Then they begin pulling at your arm. Eventually you apologise, end the call and turn your attention to them. Your child hasn’t learnt to manipulate you, instead, they’ve learnt a simple rule: “When I need Mum, shouting works better than waiting.”

Consequences can sometimes be intentional or unintentional. This is never about blaming parents, instead it is about noticing patterns.

Understanding behaviour doesn’t mean accepting it. You can understand why your child is furious about leaving the park, while still leaving the park. As parents, we also need to teach children which behaviours help them navigate the world successfully.

One way I often explain this is to think about parenting with two hands.

With one hand, we encourage the behaviours we’d like to see more often.

With the other, we place clear boundaries around the behaviours we’d like to see less often.

One question I will often ask parents is, “What does your child get most of your attention for?”

It’s surprisingly easy to spend our day noticing the things we’d like our children to stop doing.

“Stop climbing on the sofa.”

“Don’t shout.”

“Leave your brother alone.”

Meanwhile, the behaviours we do want to see can often pass without much comment. The morning that they got dressed without an argument, or the toy they shared without being asked.

Children are much more likely to repeat behaviours that are noticed and encouraged. We use praise so easily when it comes to language development, first words, or motor development and first steps. Praise has the same effect for behaviour.

Rewards can also be a helpful way of encouraging new behaviours. One family I worked with found that individual reward charts created competition between siblings. Instead, they created a family marble jar. Every time someone showed kindness, helpfulness or teamwork, a marble went into the jar. Parents found themselves looking for opportunities to notice positive behaviour, the children began encouraging one another, and when the jar was full, the whole family celebrated together. It wasn’t really about the marbles. It was about changing what everyone in the family was paying attention to.

Children also need clear, predictable boundaries. I encourage families to think of behaviours in terms of their Big No’s and Little No’s.

Little No’s may be behaviours that are simply trying to gain a reaction, like whining, silly noises or repeatedly saying the same thing. These behaviours often become less effective when they receive fewer responses from adults, and are therefore less useful. Active ignoring means choosing not to give lots of attention to a behaviour that isn’t harmful.

The Big No’s require a different response. If a child hurts someone, or says something unkind, they need a clear and consistent consequence. Consequences are most helpful when they are immediate, proportionate and linked to the behaviour. Their purpose isn’t to punish. It’s to help children understand responsibility and make different choices next time.

Like praise, consequences work best when children know what to expect. A calm, predictable response is always more effective than one given in the heat of the moment.

Over the years, one thing always stands out to me, most parents already know far more than they give themselves credit for. They know praise works better than constant criticism, that children need clear boundaries and that staying calm is usually more effective than shouting. The difficult part is rarely knowing what to do. The struggle comes from the consistency.

After a broken night’s sleep, a stressful day at work, or an afternoon of juggling homework, dinner and a toddler who has decided that their trousers are suddenly unacceptable, even the most patient parent can find themselves reacting in ways they aren’t proud of.

An analogy I often use with parents is the idea of filling up your own cup. Strategies for changing your child’s behaviour rely on consistency, and consistency relies on us having the emotional capacity to use them. When we’re exhausted, overwhelmed or stretched too thin, it’s much harder to praise the behaviours we’d like to see, hold boundaries calmly or ignore the whining for the fifteenth time that day. Those things become much harder when our own cup is empty.

Looking after ourselves isn’t separate from supporting our children, it’s one of the things that makes it possible.