Why Do Children Have Such Big Feelings?

Imagine you’ve just made your toddler some toast. They asked for triangles, so you carefully cut it into triangles. You put the plate down. They look at it for a moment before bursting into tears. They wanted squares. Within seconds, they are screaming on the kitchen floor.

You might try to reason with them.

“It’s only toast.”

You might offer alternatives.

“We can make squares instead.”

Or perhaps you find yourself frustrated, thinking “Why are they reacting like this?”

Either way, you’re left standing in the kitchen wondering how breakfast turned into a crisis.

As a Clinical Psychologist, these are some of the most common conversations I have with parents. I am often asked why their child reacts so strongly to such little things, why reasoning doesn’t seem to work or why their child appears to stop listening when they are upset. Developmental psychology and neuroscience can help us begin to understand why.

Emotional regulation is not a skill children are born with. Instead, it is a developmental skill that takes many years to emerge, and is shaped by the interaction between brain development, relationships and everyday experiences. Like language, walking or problem-solving, it develops gradually over time, and is rarely a linear process.

Once we can understand big feelings through a developmental lens, we can begin to think differently about ‘tantrums’ or ‘meltdowns’. Rather than seeing them simply as “bad behaviour”, we can begin to see them as moments when a child’s emotional experience has exceeded their current ability to manage it independently.

This doesn’t mean children should never experience frustration or disappointment. In fact, learning to tolerate everyday frustrations is an important part of development. The goal is not to remove difficult emotions, but to help children gradually develop the skills they need to cope with them.

Although the brain begins developing before birth, it continues to mature throughout childhood, adolescence and into adulthood. Not all aspects of development happen at the same pace.

The brain networks involved in experiencing emotion develop earlier than those responsible for regulating those emotions, controlling impulses, thinking flexibly and considering consequences.

In other words, young children can experience very big feelings before they have developed the brain systems needed to manage those feelings effectively.

It’s like having a very powerful accelerator before you’ve fully developed the brakes. Young children can experience emotions intensely long before they have developed the skills needed to slow them down. That’s why in that moment, the toast being cut into the wrong shape can feel devastating, because the emotional systems have temporarily outpaced the brain’s ability to regulate them.

One of my favourite ways of explaining this comes from Dr Daniel Siegel and Dr Tina Payne Bryson’s analogy of “flipping your lid”, in the book, The Whole Brain Child. When emotions become overwhelming, it’s like flipping the lid on a pot. The thinking brain temporarily goes offline, and the emotional brain takes over. That’s why, in the middle of a meltdown, it can feel as though nothing you say seems to get through. Children often can’t explain what they’re feeling, think logically or learn from what we’re saying. When a child’s lid is flipped, in that moment, they are unable to hear consequences, learn a lesson or solve a problem.

This can change the questions we ask. Rather than asking, “Why won’t my child listen?”, instead, we ask, “Are they able to listen right now?”

This isn’t about removing boundaries or expectations, but to recognise that timing matters. Children are much more able to learn, reflect and solve problems once their emotional system has settled.

Think about how children learn to talk. Children learn to talk because adults speak to them, respond to them, repeat words, expand their vocabulary and patiently model language every day. Emotional regulation develops in much the same way.

Long before children can calm themselves independently, they rely on the adults around them to help them make sense of what they’re feeling. Without even thinking about it, most of us are already helping children regulate their emotions every day.

“That was a loud noise, wasn’t it?”

“I know you’re disappointed we have to leave the park.”

Before children are able to regulate themselves consistently, they first borrow the emotional regulation of the adults around them, known as co-regulation. Over time, those repeated experiences become the foundations of self regulation.

Co-regulation isn’t about rescuing children from every disappointment. We don’t need to stop the tower falling over or get another biscuit because one broke in half. Children still need opportunities to experience disappointment, frustration and sadness. Our role is to help children discover that these feelings can be experienced, understood and regulated.

Children are also learning from us in another way. Not just through how we respond to their emotions, but through how we respond to our own. Think about the times you drop an entire cup of coffee across the kitchen floor, or finally find a parking space, just as another car pulls into it.

If a child repeatedly sees an adult respond to frustration by shouting, slamming doors or reacting impulsively, they learn that is how strong feelings are managed.

Of course, this does not mean parents need to regulate their emotions perfectly, every single time. We all lose our patience, snap after a long day, threaten to ‘cancel’ birthday parties or wish we could rewind a conversation.

These moments provide opportunities too. Seeing an adult acknowledge a mistake or apologise after snapping teaches children an important lesson, that relationships can be repaired. Repair is the process of recognising when a relationship has become strained, reconnecting, and helping both ourselves and our child move forwards.

If we return to the kitchen where we began, the toast may still be the wrong shape. Your child may still be crying. Understanding emotional regulation doesn’t stop children having big feelings. Nor does it mean you’ll always know exactly what to do in the moment. What can change is how we interpret those moments. Instead of asking, “Why won’t they calm down?” we begin to ask, “How can I help them to learn?”

Emotional regulation develops over time, through everyday moments. Every time we help children name a feeling, sit alongside them when they’re overwhelmed, repair after a difficult moment or simply help them feel safe enough for the storm to pass, we are doing something much bigger than settling today’s tears.