Understanding Your Child’s Behaviour: What Is Their Behaviour Telling Us?

Why does your child keep doing something you’ve asked them not to do? And what might be happening underneath the behaviour we see?

As parents and carers, there are moments when it can feel like we’ve asked our child to do something, or not do something, 100 times.

Whether it’s hitting, biting, throwing food, refusing to share or repeatedly doing something we’ve already explained isn’t okay, children’s behaviour can sometimes feel confusing and challenging.

But before we focus on how to stop a behaviour, it can be helpful to take a step back and ask:

What might this behaviour be telling us?

As part of our Understanding Children campaign, Monkey Puzzle Day Nurseries and Preschools have teamed up with Dr Morvwen Duncan, Lead Clinical Psychologist and founder of the Lotus Psychology Practice, to explore children’s development, emotions and behaviour.

In this third and final webinar, Dr Duncan focuses on children’s behaviour and how understanding what happens underneath it can help us respond in a more informed way.

Watch the full webinar below:

Throughout the Understanding Children campaign, the focus has been on understanding rather than simply following parenting strategies.

There is a huge amount of advice available to parents about what we should and shouldn’t do. But strategies don’t work in exactly the same way for every child, or in every situation.

Understanding children’s development and emotions can give us a framework for thinking about why a behaviour might be happening in the first place.

A behaviour is something we can see. But underneath that behaviour, there may be a range of things happening.

A child may be communicating something they don’t yet have the words to express. They may be overwhelmed by an emotion. They may still be developing a particular skill. Or there may be patterns in what happens before and after the behaviour that are helping it to continue.

Looking at those patterns can help us understand the individual child.

One of the questions Dr Duncan explores is why children can continue to do something even when they’ve been told repeatedly that it’s not okay.

A child may understand a rule when they are calm. They may know that hitting or biting isn’t appropriate and be able to explain this to you.

But knowing something and being able to use that knowledge in the middle of a strong emotional reaction are two different things.

This links closely to the previous webinar in the series, where Dr Duncan explored emotional regulation and big feelings.

When emotions become overwhelming, children may struggle to access skills and knowledge that they can use perfectly well when they’re calm.

That’s why understanding behaviour alongside emotions can be so important.

When a particular behaviour keeps happening, one useful approach discussed in the webinar is to look at what happens before, during and after the behaviour.

Dr Duncan suggests using an ABC chart for a few days or a week to help identify patterns.

• A = Antecedent: What happens immediately before the behaviour?
• B = Behaviour: What exactly happens? Try to describe the behaviour rather than labelling it.
• C = Consequence: What happens immediately afterwards?

Looking at these three elements can sometimes reveal patterns that aren’t immediately obvious.

For example, Dr Duncan discusses a situation where a child might bite when another child wants to play with their toy. If the other child then moves away, the biting may have achieved what the child wanted in that moment.

This doesn’t mean that biting is okay or that the child is deliberately manipulating the situation.

Instead, looking at the pattern can help us understand what the behaviour might be communicating or achieving for that child.

And importantly, the same behaviour can have different reasons for different children.

Hitting and biting can be particularly difficult behaviours for parents and carers to manage.

The starting point is still a clear boundary: these behaviours aren’t okay.

But alongside that boundary, we can think about what the child is experiencing and what they may be trying to communicate.

• Are there particular situations when the behaviour happens?
• Is the child becoming frustrated?
• Are they struggling to communicate what they want?
• Can they recognise the early signs that their emotions are becoming bigger?

Dr Duncan suggests returning to the emotional literacy strategies discussed in the previous webinar and helping children recognise their own warning signs.

Over time, supporting children to recognise feelings such as frustration and anger can help them begin to develop alternative ways of communicating and responding.

When we’re focused on stopping an unwanted behaviour, it can be easy to give most of our attention to the behaviour we don’t want.

But Dr Duncan also discusses the importance of noticing and celebrating the behaviours we do want to see.

For example, when a young child throws food onto the floor, repeatedly saying “no” or reacting strongly may unintentionally give the behaviour attention.

Instead, alongside calmly giving the unwanted behaviour as little attention as possible, we can make a point of noticing when the child does what we want them to do.

If they keep their food on the table or put it where it belongs, that behaviour can be met with positive attention and encouragement.

The aim is to make the wanted behaviour something that receives attention too.

Consistency is often talked about as an important part of parenting, but Dr Duncan acknowledges something that many parents will recognise:

Consistency can be incredibly difficult.

Family life is busy, and parenting can be exhausting. Sometimes, knowing what strategy to use isn’t the problem. It’s having the emotional capacity to use it consistently.

If consistency is becoming difficult, Dr Duncan suggests thinking about how you can “fill your own cup back up.”

Looking after yourself isn’t an optional extra. Finding time for things that help you feel more like yourself can give you more capacity to respond consistently when family life becomes challenging.

It might be going for a run, reading, getting some time outside or simply finding space for something you enjoy.

One of the reassuring messages from the webinar is that struggling with your child’s behaviour doesn’t mean you’re getting everything wrong.

As Dr Duncan explains, she hasn’t met a parent or carer who hasn’t struggled with their child’s behaviour at times.

Children are learning about themselves, other people and how to navigate the world. With that learning can come challenging behaviours and emotions.

And parents are learning too.

Understanding your child isn’t about finding a perfect response to every situation. It’s about becoming curious about what might be happening underneath the behaviour and using that understanding to guide your response.

This webinar marks the end of our three-part Understanding Children series with Dr Morvwen Duncan.

Across the campaign, we’ve explored three connected areas:

• Development: understanding that children’s development is individual, dynamic and not always linear.
• Emotions: understanding why children experience big feelings and how emotional regulation develops.
• Behaviour: looking beyond what we see on the surface to understand what might be contributing to a child’s behaviour.

Together, these three areas can help us build a fuller picture of the child.

Because when we understand more about what is happening underneath a behaviour, we can begin to respond to the child rather than simply reacting to the behaviour.

Watch the full webinar above and explore the other sessions in our Understanding Children campaign for more insight from Dr Morvwen Duncan.

You can also take our Understanding Your Child quiz to discover more about the way your child enjoys, explores and experiences the world.

At Monkey Puzzle Day Nurseries and Preschools, we believe that understanding children is at the heart of supporting them to play, learn and grow.