Why Do Children Have Such Big Feelings: Highlights from our webinar

Why can something that seems so small to us feel so big to a child?

A favourite toy goes missing, it’s time to leave the park, their toast has been cut the “wrong” way, or a sibling takes something they were playing with, and suddenly, there are tears, shouting, stomping feet or a full-blown meltdown.

For parents and carers, these moments can be challenging. It can be difficult to understand why a child has such a big reaction to something that, from an adult perspective, might seem relatively small.

But what if we looked at these moments differently?

As part of our Understanding Children campaign, Monkey Puzzle Day Nurseries and Preschools have teamed up with Dr Morvwen Duncan, Lead Clinical Psychologist and founder of the Lotus Psychology Practice, to explore children’s development, emotions and behaviour.

In our second webinar, “Understanding Your Child’s Emotions – Why Do Children Have Such Big Feelings?”, Dr Duncan explores why children can experience such intense emotions, why reasoning doesn’t always work in the moment, and how parents and carers can support children as they develop emotional regulation.

Watch the full webinar below:

One of the most important messages from the webinar is that emotional regulation is developmental.

Children are still learning how to recognise, understand and manage their emotions. While an adult may be able to pause, think through a situation and choose how to respond, young children are still developing these skills.

That means a child might be able to tell you what they should do when they are calm, but struggle to use that skill when they are overwhelmed.

Having the skill doesn’t mean they can use it perfectly in every situation.

This can help us look at tantrums and meltdowns differently. Rather than seeing the emotion itself as the problem, we can begin to see it as part of a child’s development and an opportunity to help them learn.

When a child is experiencing a very strong emotion, it can be tempting to explain, reason or try to convince them why they shouldn’t be upset.

But when a child is extremely overwhelmed, this isn’t usually the moment for a teaching conversation.

Dr Duncan describes an important sequence for supporting children through these moments:

Regulate → Reconnect → Reflect

First, help the child feel safe and supported. Once the intensity of the emotion has reduced, reconnect with them. Then, when they are calm, you can reflect on what happened and talk about what they might do differently next time.

This doesn’t mean that boundaries aren’t important. If a child has hit, for example, they still need to learn that hitting isn’t an appropriate way to express anger.

But the teaching often comes after the storm, rather than while the child is in the middle of it.

Children don’t always have the words to explain what they’re feeling.

Instead of asking, “Why are you feeling like this?”, we can give them different ways to communicate and recognise their emotions.

For example, you could:

• Use emotion cards to help children identify feelings they may not yet have the words for.
• Create an emotion thermometer, helping children recognise early signs that an emotion such as anger is building.
• Draw feelings as weather, such as storms, clouds or rain, giving children a visual way to express what’s happening inside.
• Talk about physical sensations, such as a tight tummy, tense muscles or a racing heart.

These activities aren’t about stopping children from experiencing difficult emotions. Instead, they help children gradually develop a language for understanding what’s happening inside them.

It can be easy to think of emotions such as anger, sadness, anxiety or fear as feelings we need to get rid of.

But emotions can give us important information.

Anxiety can tell us that something matters to us.

Sadness can signal that we need connection or that something needs to change.

Anger can tell us that something feels unfair.

Fear can alert us when we don’t feel safe or secure.

The goal isn’t to teach children that difficult emotions are bad or that they shouldn’t feel them. Every emotion has a place.

Instead, we’re helping children learn to:

Recognise the emotion → understand what it might be telling them → choose what to do next.

This is something that develops gradually, through repeated experiences and support from the adults around them.

Parents, carers and nursery practitioners play an important role in helping children develop emotional regulation, not only through how we respond to children’s emotions, but also through how we handle our own.

Children are constantly watching the important adults in their lives.

That doesn’t mean we need to manage our emotions perfectly. None of us can do that all the time.

Instead, everyday moments of frustration can become opportunities to model healthy emotional responses.

For example, you might say:

“I’m feeling really frustrated. I need to take a minute.”

Or:

“I’m disappointed that happened, but I’m going to work out what I can do.”

By naming our emotions and showing children how we manage them, we’re helping them understand that strong feelings are normal, and that there are ways to respond to them.

There will inevitably be moments when adults lose their patience, shout or respond in a way they wish they hadn’t.

That’s part of being human.

But these moments can also provide an opportunity for repair.

Acknowledging what happened, apologising and reconnecting with a child can teach them something incredibly valuable: relationships can recover when things go wrong.

It shows children that making a mistake doesn’t mean a relationship is broken, and that we can take responsibility for our actions and try again.

The more we understand children’s development, the more we can change the way we respond to their behaviour.

A big emotional reaction isn’t necessarily a child being difficult or deliberately trying to make things harder.

Sometimes, it’s a child whose emotions have become bigger than their ability to manage them independently.

Our role isn’t to remove every difficult feeling or prevent every tantrum. It’s to help children gradually develop the skills they need to recognise, understand and manage those feelings.

And that takes time.

The Understanding Children campaign with the Lotus Psychology Practice is designed to give parents and carers accessible, evidence-based information about children’s development, emotions and behaviour.

Because when we understand why children behave the way they do, we can respond with greater understanding, connection and confidence.

If you’d like to hear more from Dr Morvwen Duncan, watch the full webinar above and look out for the next instalment of our Understanding Children campaign, where we’ll explore children’s behaviour, what it may be communicating, and how we can support positive responses.

Discover more about Monkey Puzzle Day Nurseries and Preschools and find your nearest nursery today.